Doubt

I posted in my last entry that I would be doing a oneshot, but this is no longer the case since my personal life has gotten a bit rocky again and none of my drawings or ideas seem to be flowing.

This has happened once before and I always seem to stop at a certain point making me even doubt if I can do a full serialization, a 10 year one for that matter, which is probably how long Spoon will be.

During my student teaching internship, I started to realize how much of a lazy human being I am and how hard my cooperating teacher works. Teaching was never my dream goal, but I do not even work diligently on drawing. Always at a certain point, I get lazy and just doodle away...or drop a project simply because "I do not feel like it".

The more I think about it, the more I realize I cannot accomplish my dreams and it terrifies me.

I've been reading about self publishing comic artists like Terry Moore (Echo, Strangers in Paradise) and Jeff Smith (Bone) and they have been drawing a series for 10 years...how do they do it????

I feel as the older I get, the more I do not believe in myself simply because perhaps I am seeing the reality of things and how the world is changing. I have posted about this before where I see so many people with dreams trying to achieve their goals and yet nothing happens. Nothing.

We only hear about those who succeed, yet we never hear about the millions who do not, or more like we do NOT want to hear about them. I am so afraid that will happen to me.

Yet I spend most of my nights with friends or drinking. And I have read so many stories that this is NOT the life of a true artists or mangaka for that matter. I know I am a naturally social being who loves being with friends and enjoying the good life talking about my dreams and aspirations, yet here I am not going anywhere....fast.

Already I am 23 and before you know it, I'll be 30 and I'll say, "Wow..I never even published Spoon yet..have I?"

I know I will have to make sacrifices, but I'm really afraid of WHAT sacrifices I will make...